The Tallest's TRUE Feelings on Zim
by Newenglander
Summary: A little story for you of what happens when Dib calls up the Tallest from Zim's base! Shenanigans ensure. What do the Tallest have to say about the small Irken Zim? Well...


It had been an oddly refreshing change of pace to see not Zim, but that human that Zim always complained about appear on their screen in the bridge. Red had "huh'd" as he munched on some popcorn, Purple sipping from a soda as Dib held up a notepad.

"I was hoping I'd get you two again! You're "Tallest Red and Purple", right? Think you could tell me some specifications on Irken ships and the like? I'd like to know how to build my own, really. My old one kind of...committed suicide."

"...how'd you even know how to hack into our technology?" Red wanted to know, raising an imaginary eyebrow up.

"Zim's password is "Zim"."

"...yeah, that makes sense." Red remarked with a sigh. "Look, human, we're not just going to tell you stuff about us for poops and giggles. Who do you think we are?"

"Easily bribed by the promise of delicious snack foods?" Dib offered, holding up an immensely huge plate with a gigantic chocolate cake on it which had powdered sugar on the top, rainbow sprinkles, and cute little sparkling candles that sizzled and sent sparks flying about.

"Are...are those little tiny sparkling candles?" Purple asked, eyes widening.

"Yes. Yes they are." Dib said with a suggestive grin. "Don't you want to lick the icing off?"

"We'll tell you everything! Just send us all of those cakes you have post-haste!" Purple proclaimed, pointing upwards as the rest of the crew looked about at themselves, their guard, a black-eyed Irken named Arc, sighing.

"Shall I ready the teleporter?" The Elite Guard politely inquired, Arc looking over at Red as Red rubbed his chin.

"Well, I do love powdered sugar on things. It makes them so much more classy-" He began to say, salivating at the prospect of tasting such a divine dish. But then!

"HEY! Get away from there!"

Dib was knocked through the air, the cake tragically flying up, up, all of time and space going into slow motion as Purple SWORE he could hear faint, tragic violin music playing, the cake slamming onto the ground as Zim appeared on frame, GIR going over to the cake and sighing sadly.

"No more candles." He mumbled. "I wanted that cake, cake, cake."

"...it's...all gone..." Purple murmured. "All gone?"

"Zim, we were just about to have cake!" Red snapped.

"Oh, can I have some, then?" Zim inquired politely with a big grin, placing his gloved hands together and beaming brightly. "I just implemented a brilliant scheme to put poison in the school's mac and cheese."

"Zim, nobody's eaten the mac and cheese since Tommy Chestnut spontaneously exploded from the stuff three years ago." Dib remarked. "Why do you think we call Thursday "The Brown Bag Day"? Cuz you BRING your lunch in!" The human child groaned, rolling his eyes. "Also, **poisoning children's mac and cheese**?! That's a real class act, Zim!" Dib snapped.

"Can you grant me a moment my Tallest and let me handle this annoying, BIGHEADED pest?" Zim asked.

"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!" Dib screeched out on instinct as Red pinched the space between his eyes, Arc realizing the Tallest were about to have "The Moment". The moment everyone had been waiting for on the bridge. He whistled sharply, people taking cover as he wheeled out an enormous blackboard, preparing to flip it over to reveal the contents on the other side.

"No, he's not nearly as bad as you! Do you know how much you ANNOY US!?" Red snapped at Zim, Dib blinking in surprise.

"...huh?"

"For the answer is "a lot"!" Purple added, walking over to the blackboard, giving Arc a nod as he readied a small pointer stick. "Shall we list the reasons why? Well we don't see whyyyyy NOT!"

And with that, the blackboard flipped over, a gigantic drawing of a sneering Zim scribbled on the right hand side, next to a looooong list of various statement's on Zim's character, size, behavior...smell...

 ** _You're skinny and you're stubborn, you are quite a lowly bug!  
You'll never get approval and you WILL not get a hug!  
That you think you're an invader, it's a real swing and a miss...  
And WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TELLING US ABOUT THAT STUPID KISS?!  
_**  
"You're just jealous Tallest Miyuki made out with ME at the New Year's Party and not you." Zim said proudly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Red groaned.

 _ **See now that's the sort of things you do that drive us up a tree!  
Cuz no matter what we tell you, you just never let us be!  
You came back even when we tried to shoot you through a sun,  
It just makes us suicidal! And we're NOT the only ones! **_

"No, they're not the only oooooones!" Arc proclaimed, wheeling the blackboard away, Tak now standing behind it as a single light beamed down on her, all the other lights on the bridge turned off for maximum dramatic effect as she slowly lifted her bowed head.

 ** _It started when he locked me behind the testing door!  
There was a hatred...I had never felt befoooooore!  
So I swore I'd make him pay! In every single waaaaay!  
Until that tiny, loudmouthed nuisance is! no! MOOOOOORE!  
_**  
Dib quietly clapped his hands, GIR blowing his nose somehow as Zim stupidly stared, mouth slightly agape as if somebody had whacked him in the face, Purple giving Tak a complimentary lollipop with a grateful nod as Arc turned the lights back on, Red advancing towards the screen on the bridge.

 ** _"So now that is why we always say we hate you all the time!  
And I know you think it's odd that we would do this all in rhyme,  
but regardless of our methods, may the lesson be quite clear,  
YOU'RE A PAIN OF EVERY DAY, OF EVERY MONTH, OF EVERY YEAR!" _**Red roared out.

Zim blinked. "...wait, what? Really? Wow! Every day, that's...wow!"

"AAAAAAAAARGGHHH!" Purple screeched, tugging down on his antannae as he turned to Dib.

 ** _"Kid, you gotta help us, cuz we really are distressed,  
can you do something about this, can you put this all to rest?  
Cuz if you want a favor, really ANY kind of favor,  
then get _****_us_** ** _some peace and quiet from this screechy little pest!"_**

"Wait...you're NOT grateful for my amazing Zimness?" Zim asked, Dib looking over at the plate on the floor.

 ** _"SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE, IRKEN ZIM! OR I SWEAR WE'LL SHUT IT SOOOOOOON!"_** Red began to snarl, almost foaming at the mouth, gripping the bridge display with fervor before-

 **KRA-BRAAANG!**

Zim went down, a gigantic Zim-shaped indentation in the gigantic plate Dib had brought as he cheerily smiled at them.

"Congratulations. We'll send you down some specs this afternoon." Purple cheerily informed him.


End file.
